*sigh* Lots to say. Not sure what to say. Or how to say it. The last few weeks have been pretty intense. My brain and heart and memory and energy and self is kinda confused. Not really sure what all is going on in my head at this point.

This is going to be a rant. Probably a rather long rant. Sorry. LOL

I'm annoyed that I can't get things started for school yet. I'm going to try to get down to the advising office this week. I'm starting to get a lil anxious, in the sense that I am not sure what I want to do with this degree. I want to go for graphic design but I don't know what to do with that. Everyone keeps asking me that when I tell them I'm going to be a graphic design major. No idea. Hopefully the adviser in the art department will be able to give me some ideas of what I can do and maybe inspire me to choose more of a direct path.

I have been feeling like I need to be doing creative stuff lately. I had the photoshoot a couple weeks ago, and it was really fun. I was really happy with the stuff that I got back. Now I am itching to get in front of a camera.

My friend Shannon is staying with me right now. She was living with her older brother and his wife, and things just started to hit the fan. They just treat her like shit and walk all over her. It makes me a lil angry because family is not supposed to treat you like that. Anyway, she has been here a couple days, and may be here a few weeks to a month. I'm not worried about having her here, I'm just glad that I could be here for her.

I'm frustrated with things with my social life. Social life, I dunno... maybe love life? LOL funny to call it that. I've been dating lately. Mostly casual stuff. I've been having a lot of fun. I've actually ended up with the situations turning into some really good friends. *sigh* It's kind of funny because I'm actually a little hesitant about talking about my romantic escapades in here. :-P And that is a lil new for me. I dunno. I met someone that I really click with. Like really, really click. I feel like it's a crazy situation. And I don't want to put any stock in this yet. It's so early. And I don't know what is there and waht is not. He says that he really likes me. That he agrees that we need to take things slowly. But I dunno. It's just a weird situation. I don't really wanna go too far into it, though. All I know is that I have more fun with him and am more attracted to him physically and mentally than I have been to anyone in god knows how long. We end up talking on the phone every single day. It's still "nothing" but there is something.

It's overwhelming. I just don't really even want to think too much about it right now.

Went to Kat's birthday party on Saturday. It was super fun. It makes me wish I was closer friends with more people. I have had a good time with the people that are there for the last two parties, and I feel badly that the only times I've been there have been for a party. I'd like to make it more of, you guys are cool, lets hang out. :-P I dunno. I would feel like I'm intrudiing into a circle if I tried to do that I think. But the party was really fun. Shads and I ended up leaving early because we decided to go on a treasure hunt for food. LOL But the costumes were fabulous. I had a good time parading around with my ass hanging out of my skirt (hahaha). And The Safety Meetings were very fruitful. Hilarity ensued with the RockBand. And the cheesecake and swaying lighters were pretty awesome.

I'm sleepy. I don't really want to go to sleep. I want the things in my head to sort themselves out. I have made a lot of changes for myself in the last month or so and I feel good about them. But it's hard. Change is always a little difficult. The only constant in this world is change. And change stimulates growth.

I've grown a lot int he last 2 years. I've spent a lot of time with myself figuring out what is important to me. I've streamlined my life. I've weeded out the poisonous people. I've spent a lot of time figuring out how to love myself first. And realized this ultimately the most important lesson I ever could have learned. It feels good to be in this place. And I'm so grateful for the handful of good friends that I have been blessed with lately. And wow, this has very suddenly become very cheesy.

Anyway. I probably should stop. I really intend on updating more often. Really...



<333
glo

My life seems to be in an uproar. Not really, it's actually pretty mellow. But my mind is kinda running in circles. I feel like I know what I want, but then I sometimes feel like I am clueless. And then when something looks like it's there, and within reach, it slips away slightly. Cryptic I know. And none of it will make sense. Except to me. Haven't really even had time to digest what's up right now, much less talk to anyone about it. Anyway, blah.

Hopefully should get info about my fin aid this week. *crossing my fingers* I seriously just want it all taken care of. I'm ready to start school.

Going to Typsie's party tonight. Should be fun. Should be interesting sittin onthe bus dressed in my 'rockstar' outfit. :-P At least should get some good weird looks.

Photoshoot from the cemetery last week was awesome. I just got back some photos from it and I'm super stoked. I actually worked with this photographer in February and just now got a photo back from that shoot as well. We did this silly little set with me 'giving birth to death'. LOL It's not the most flattering picture of me but it's interesting to look at none the less. Anyway, there is some nudity, so if you're at work or in front of the chillins, don't tell me I didnt warn you! :) Enjoy!


Feedback always welcome!

Ugh!




This heat is STIFLING!

So now that I have a laptop again, time for a real post. I've been functioning on my blackberry for a couple months now. I get tired of sitting at my desk to use the computer, so I lay in bed and browse/chat/waste time with my blackberry instead. But I got my laptop back a couple days ago, if only for a short time. (this one is having issues, the charging port or the battery or the charger don't like each other).

Anyway.

Got my foot touched up last night. I love my tattoo. And seriously, I'm jonesin for a new one now.

Called PSU yesterday to find out if they had received my transcripts from UCSC and WOU. They did. They'd reviewed them. And as of yesterday I was admitted. My financial aid award letter should be shortly in tow. Well, not as shortly as I'd like. They said about 3 weeks. Kinda cuttin in close. School starts on the 23rd of September. I still need to register. I think next week I'm gonna go to the art department and meet with an advisor to get my classes situated. But once my financial aid is disbursed I will have my account with psu up to date, I can register for classes and hopefully have a lil money left over to get ahead on some bills. Yay!

My sis left for France yesterday. Won't see her probably til April. Unless by some miracle I'm able to go out and visit her. We'll see. Would be so fun to go see her over Christmas. The last time I was in France was at Christmas time, it was rainy. Reminds me of Oregon a bit. LOL

Things with work are decent. Better than they were, but still, not my favorite thing in the world. Holly is still a lil self riteous, and definitely a hypocrite. *shrug* I was told, not by her, that I was unapproachable. So basically I'm taking this opportunity to evaluate how I come off to people. How I view things. To kinda get myself back to where I'm positive and that others benefit from my positivity rather than feeding off negativity. One of the things I'm absolutely changing is the snarky lil comments. Despite the fact that people laugh sometimes, it's not nice. And that's not me. There are a lot more little points that I'm reevaluating, but no need to go into detail here.

I'm super stoked about school. I really can't wait to start. I am sure I will be super busy but hey, life is good when I'm busy. I tend to be more productive when I have less free time.

I've been wearing my glasses about a week now and it's driving me insane. I can't order new contacts til pay day (tomorrow) and will still have to wait for them to be shipped to me. My glasses aren't the right prescription in my left eye so they give me a headache. All of you with good vision, be grateful! :-P hehehe

It is going to be insanely hot today. Well, in comparison with the what the weather has been lately. I'm sittin in Starbucks right now. It's actually kinda cold. LOL And the drink I ordered wasn't amazing. It's still only half gone and I ordered it like an hour or 2 ago. :-P

Been thinking about stretching my ears. Not big. Just to like 4's probably. Maybe this fall. We'll see. I need to start putting money in a shoe box or something for my tattoo fund. LOL I'm guessing my next one will probably be a couple hundo. wamp wamp wamp.

Did a shoot in a cemetery last week. Was fun. Hopefully I'll get some stuff back soon. I think they will be pretty interesting. I am ready to start getting back into it again. I've lost about 8 pounds in the last couple months. I have been riding my new bike. Well, kinda. It's kicking my ass. Does anyone else remember how much easier bike riding was when we were kids!?!?! But anyway, I'm gonna try to lose about 20 more pounds before October. If things go right, should be goin to Vegas the last part of the month, and I wanna look goooooood! hehehe

Anyway, I've rambled.... a lot. I think I've written enough to help the lack of LJ posts. Having my lappy back makes it immensely easier.

I know this has been a pretty superficial post as well, but I'll try to fix that soon. Still sorting stuff out in my head for the deeper stuff.

Anywho LJ land, until next time. Peace out trout.





<<333
glo

Hi.


That's all for now....





Maybe something more soon.

The Dark Knight...

a

ma

zing!!!

<333








May go see it again this week. Anyone wanna come?

Wow, so it's been forever since I've posted. I feel like a lot has been going on but then it really feels like everything is still the same. Same bullshit with work. Same bullshit with Joel. I dunno.

I feel more productive lately. I've been walking a ton more. It seems to be paying off. I've lost 8 pounds in the last month. That's a good feeling. I still need to lose at least another 20. I wanna lose 30, but that's a lofty goal.

I'm really starting to get anxious to finish school. I'm fuckin tired of the people I work with. I'm seriously over retail. I wanna go talk to an adviser in the art department but can't really do that until I'm admitted. Can't get admitted til I get my transcripts from wou and ucsc. Can't get those until my stupid debit card comes in the mail. It's been like a week and a half. grrrrr....

Oh well.

Mick wants to be friends again. But he is trying too hard. Not letting him back in. LOL no, sorry.

I've seen joel only a handful of times since we met in the middle of may. I'm startin to feel stupid for even waitin around for him. I am officially one of those girls. LOL I don't really have a problem with it alllll that much because it's low key, and easy... and well, kinda safe I guess. I'm kinda scared to get too involved with anyone I've been single for a long time and I haven't had to deal with my heart gettin stomped on. (lets face it, I am a sucker and this usually happens to me) We're both kinda keepin it at an arms distance. *shrug*

He's supposed to come by tonight. Ha! I'll believe it when I see it. I am not holding my breath at this point.

Haven't been doing much modeling lately. However just got back some photos from a shoot I did a few months ago. Turned out pretty cool. It's me hitting on myself. LOL And the me that is getting hit on is just not having it.

Recently cut out some people that weren't good people. I just can't stand negativity or judgemental people. I work really hard to keep positive people around, so I'm not too worried about a couple people that aren't even in my circle of friends.

Kinda tired of my sister's shit. She is starting to really get on my nerves. I love her more than anything and she is generally fine. But she is making my parents kind of feel badly and she doesnt care. It just irritates me because I've finally gotten to a p oint where I can really really appreciate them and she can't see that yet. I know I can't do anythng to make her see, but it's royally annoying.

*sigh* Some nights, (read: tonight) I feel kinda lonely. It sucks being in this weird emotional limbo. Part of me wants to be in a relationship and have someone there to call up or hang out with or cuddle with. To make dinner for or wake up next to. But the other part of me is pretty terrified to really try to get involved with anyone. It's the beginning part that is the scariest. When it's still casual and you don't really know how the other person feels or what they actually want. Maybe it's the most frustrating part too. Meeting someone who is in the same place in life, relationship-wise, as you are? No idea. All I know is it kinda sucks.

I think I'm getting tired of having black hair. It's gonna be a bitch and a half to transition from though I'm sure. I'm considering chopping it this summer. I probably won't do it, but it's been crossing my mind lately. I'm pretty sure this summer I'm going to cut big chunky bangs. Almost positive I'm going to.

Anyway, blarg. This post has been a whole lot of nothing. Kind of anti-climatic. I felt like I had so much more to say. But really its all the same....

anyway, here are the images from that shoot....

I think I may have mono. Really all I did today, the first day of my vacation, was sleep. I got up and had sushi, but then came home and took the second of 2 naps.

I've been feeling drained for about a month or so. And I can never seem to get enough sleep.

Should get my blood test results back this week. Hopefully I'm just being a hypochondriac. Anyone had mono before?

So it looks like California is not happening. If we do end up going, it won't be until Thursday. At this point, I kinda would rather stay home. Leaving Thursday morning only to come back Saturday would suck. Lots. And if I don't go, then I can sit for the drawing group out in NE and MAKE some money. lol

Hopefully my admission goes through at PSU soon. I wanna go talk to an advisor in the art department but apparently they can only advise you if you're an admitted student. I want to figure out what I need to do to get stuff done quickly. I'm stoked about nothaving to take any math or science or anything.

Got a couple new things back from Shannon. That girl keeps puttin stuff out fromthe shoot we did almost a month ago. Kinda awesome. She is really quick with the turn around. She worked with Jess yesterday and already has some really awesome shots in her port. Anyway, here are the two she just sent me. They are fun.

so I went and saw Sex and the City tonight. It was cute. I don't think I've ever seen a theater with so many women. It was weird with people clapping and all. And so many girls crying. The girl next to me was pretty much sobbing. I looked over and she had mascara running down her cheek. It was a cute movie though. And, yes, I guess I was teary eyed a bit when Carrie started beating Big with her bouquet.

On another note, I'm excited about California. Haven't been home since Thanksgiving, and that was a very short trip. I think I may be more excited to actually have 7 days off from work. I'll be glad to be away from that place for a bit.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm also glad to be getting that done. I've been very anxious lately. The last week or so I have been on kind of an emotional rollercoaster. Somedays I'm totally fine. Somedays I'm antsy as all hell. Some I'm completely depressed and don't wanna get out of bed. Thank god for work and the fact that I HAVE TO. And the anxiety does not help with the hormonal loop-de-loop. I'm not sure why I've been so much more out of wack lately than I have been previously, but I know that it's ridiculous. And I need to get it fixed. Stat.

I'm starting to feel a lil better about my appearance lately. I've been running pretty consistently. And I got a new pair of jeans the other day. I'm officially no longer a size 16. That felt great.

Joel is supposed to be home on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to that. I don't know that I'll get a chance to see him before I leave though. Tuesday evening my sister is gonna pick me up and I'm staying the night in Silverton so we can head out really frickin early for Sonoma. It's gonna be really hard seeing my grampa. He was always my favorite grandparent growing up, and he is the first one to start slipping away. Seeing him at Thanksgiving was hard. He wasn't all there. I can only imagine he's a little farther gone now.

It's really quiet in my apartment right now. It's wonderful. Kinda funny how I used to always have music on. Lately having everything quiet is a little reassuring. If nothing else, calm. Hearing the clock in the kitchen reminds me a little of my place in Salem. When the fridge kicks in, it makes me think of all the different places I've lived in my life and how all the fridges had their own little distinct grumble.

Gotta get my kitty into the vet soon. She has fleas, and I suspect worms as well. But she won't let me get close enough to check. And that is prescription type of meds. Can't just pick that u p at the grocery store. Kinda sucks. It's gonna be some dough to get her in. But she's basically my baby, so I really don't care. *shrug*

I think tonight will be best spent curled up in bed with my book. ni'night...



<3
glo